Why Brexit Britain is turning purple in shame | Stewart Lee


LLike a bald man masturbating alone in an open pedal bin, Boris Johnson’s Brexit Britain is disgusting. And yet, despite being watched on the men’s restroom security camera that is the modern world stage, he continues his shameless abasement. After World War II, the Germans Volks were described as experiencing kollektivschuld, a national disgrace. But the capacity for shame has been surgically removed from our leaders. And it beats only weakly, like an underactive perineal muscle, in the electorate that approves of them. Could it instead be that the physical mass of a nation, rather than its constituent citizens, displays the attributes of shame?

Brexiter Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries, who did not know what the Customs Union was, has publicly called for the removal of public funding from a TV channel that is not publicly funded; Brexiter Dominic Raab, who had not appreciated the importance of Calais, went paddleboarding in Crete while Kabul rescue cats fought to get on British planes; and Brexiter Rishi Sunak, who has all his different loaves in all his different homes, profitably took advantage of the tax loopholes the EU he sought to leave had hoped to close.

(A judge has told a couple fined £2,000 for hosting a baby shower days before the lockdown ended that they could pay in installments if they didn’t spend the deferred money for ‘Sky Sports or whatever.’ Sunak, who is worth £200m or more, was fined £50 for the lockdown breach he appeared to mislead Parliament on. also, presumably, can pay in installments as long as he doesn’t spend the deferred money on $7.2 million beachfront homes in Santa Monica. Or whatever.)

(Johnson commissioned Lord Geidt, the wallpaper investigator, to preside over an investigation into Sunak. would use the phrase “Ask Lord Geidt to preside over an inquiry into this” as a euphemism for “Put it in the trash.” After a few weeks a new member of staff said, “You’re quite funny. Have you ever thought trying to do comedy?” I tried to ask them out and it turned out badly.)

But consider Boris in-All-Frankness Pays-Fixed-Penalty Unreserved-Apology Anger-and-Frustration Birthday-Exemption Poledancing-Cyberlover Wallpaper-Freeloader Lebedev’s-Party Watermelon-Picaninny Tank-Topped-Bum-Boys Deprogramme-a-Transperson Fifty- Pound-Offender Dead-in-the-Water Vaccine-Rollout All-Purpose-Get-Out Johnson. After bending human language to associate Kier Starmer with Jimmy Savile, it seems a real living child molester in the form of Brexiter MP Imran Ahmad Khan was still a member of his own party. Meanwhile, Johnson has been belatedly fined for the first of lockdown breaches he has lied to Parliament and the British public about. He should, of course, resign, but clings on, like a failed sheet of toilet paper stuck to the sole of the national shoe.

Some say now is not the time for Johnson to leave, due to the situation in Ukraine. But on Tuesday, parliament was unable to meet to discuss chemical weapons in case someone asked the prime minister an awkward question about “gatherings”. People shouldn’t be dying in basements as human shields for Johnson’s birthday cake. Getting rid of Johnson as soon as possible could at least show Putin that the self-serving Brexit engine that Russia so obviously hoped to secure is no longer a key part of our corrupt political system. And having allowed so many oligarchs and their families to settle in West London and launder their stolen wealth with impunity means there is still a lot to get rid of! So Jacob Rees-Mogg can brag to the EU that we are leading the world in dealing with them!!

To sum up, at the start of last week, the Conservative party included a child molester, a serial adulterer and a compulsive liar, a handsome, morally bankrupt financial prodigy and a tyrant who sends immigrants to Rwanda. It sounds less like a government than a special team of convicted criminals who won their freedom in exchange for accepting an impossible mission behind enemy lines in a 1970s Italian-funded war movie. Telly Savalas! Klaus Kinsky!! Lewis Collins!!! Helga Line!!!! Operation Dynamite Bastards!!!!!

It may still be too soon after the Brexit referendum for Brexit Britain to completely shudder at its folly. The social, economic and political consequences of Brexit are still conveniently blamed on Covid, Ukraine, Eddie Izzard and the wrong kind of langoustines. But last week I climbed the 832m (2,730ft) Cadair Berwyn, south of LLangollen, and as I looked east it seemed like vast swaths of rural England were in some way sort of turned purple. Either that or some jam from a scone I ate at Bala had somehow gotten crushed into my blepharitis flakes.

The staining phenomenon was first observed, I learned from a civil servant friend, in Staffordshire, where a rotting mountain of 500 tonnes of British beets was rotting, betanin seeping into the ground to give the whole landscape the same shade as the moss of a Tory MP. racist face. Brexit delayed our beetroot. Publicly, delays are blamed on P&O, bad weather and Covid. You’ll have to scour the lorry drivers’ blogs online to learn about the burden of new Brexit customs checks and the fact that the government’s Brexit IT system has been down for over two weeks. Last week, the BBC literally deleted the word ‘Brexit’ from the Scottish Farmers’ Union president’s explanation of the industry’s current woes.

Nobody wants to mention the B-word. But my contact has warned that if the Brexit beet backlog isn’t dealt with quickly, it looks like topsoil across the country could take on an embarrassing beet chip hue, visible from space. It would be as if all of Brexit Britain had changed color with shame.

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